Well, this is it. I'm officially divorced. After weeks of nothing from my lawyer, I finally had a moment and stopped in her office. She wasn't there, but her secretary printed off a set of divorce decrees. I signed mine, and personally mailed the other ones to Michael. Another week went by with no word from anyone. I began to wonder if Michael hadn't gotten the papers. If he had, why hadn't he signed them? Then he e-mailed me, two weeks ago, to say that he had signed the papers and mailed them back. It was over.
Up until this point, some small part of me was wondering about Michael's intentions. Did he really not want to be with me, or was this his mother's influence? Did he really not love me, or did he just feel like he had done me such wrong, that he couldn't come back even if he wanted to? Then, over six months after he walked out the door, there was no more us. No more "Mr. and Mrs. Shay". No more "as long as you both shall live". No more us.
I was now, after over six years as Michael's wife, unmarried. And as much as I thought this day would bring relief, as much as I had paid, both financially and emotionally, to bring this to a close, I felt more betrayed, more heartbroken, by the fact that the papers were signed.
"Hello, I'm Cecelia Shay. These are my kids. No, I'm divorced."
I am divorced.
I am unmarried.
I am Un - married. Un - cherished. Un - desired. Un - wanted. Un - loved.
No, not un - loved. Because I'm not. Despite all of this, there are many, many people who love me. And three that matter more than most. Jane still comes to me and gives me hugs. Jacob still asks me to read to him. And little Tony lights up like the fourth of July when I get him from day care each day. They love me as I love them, eternally.
I have many friends and family members who are glad to see me dating again. They say that I shouldn't be alone. When my grandmother, who recently visited, said something to that effect, I gestured around at my toy-strewn living room and three active children. "Do I look alone to you?" I asked.
"Well, no," she said, "that's not what I meant. Somewhere out there is someone just for you. I want you to believe you'll find him someday."
"I know what you meant," I said, "but you say God put someone on this Earth, just for me. A little while ago, I felt like that person was Michael. Like I had my chance at true love, blessed love, and now it's gone. Like I don't have a right to a second marriage. I've been blessed once already, and I shouldn't ask for too much." She looked like she wanted to say something but I kept talking. "Now I know that I was just hurt. God doesn't want me to be alone. I know that."
Grandma was silent for a moment. I looked around at my kids again, Jake and Jane singing and dancing while Tony rocked back and forth by their feet. "I say God put three people on this Earth, just for me. And maybe, someday, I will find someone else to marry. But even if I don't, I will never be alone."
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Author's note: Since the saga has been told, this is the end of DoaBW. I want to thank all those who have offered support in the last few months. My faith, family, and friendships have kept me going more than money, because even when the money ran low, the other three only grew. Michael has been gone for over seven months now, and I'm still standing. I've held onto my job, my house, and my kids, by placing the last of these first. Once again, Thank you all, and God Bless.
